The need for routine
One of the more recurrent themes you hear when you read about adopting kids that have spent time in an orphanage is the need to maintain routine. And, living in a foreign city with a random schedule revolving around embassy interviews, etc, we have not been doing a very good job.
It is said that kids have clocks in their stomachs. Of this we have a mixed experience, but something happened the other day that was funny at the time and so worth relating.
It was Friday, and our fixed schedule was to have an interview at the US Embassy at 2 pm. The kids were up by 9:30 (our standard time right now, they need lots of sleep and we need C&G time), and we ate breakfast (zaftrak) at around 10. We then at an early lunch for us at 12:30 pm, instead of our normal 2:30 pm. We went to our interview, which took longer than expected, getting out at around 3:30. From there we proceeded with out plan, and arrived at the Moscow Zoo around 4. Here we wandered around (complete with ice cream at 5:30), getting out at 7:30 or so. Our "normal" dinner time has been around 8:30, and we had nothing prepared, so for dinner we opted for street food, which in was pizza and juice in this case. We then did the Metro and walked home, arriving around 8:30. Diana set the table for breakfast the next day (she specifically said zaftrak), and we then proceeded to bathe the kids and watch the second half of a movie. Then time for bed - 10:00, about our standard bedtime. We told them the equivelent of "ok kids, time to get into bed", and we got an surprised face on Vika, who looked seriously at Mom and said, in Russian, "A, uzhin?", which literally translates to "but.... Dinner?". So dinner it was! The kids ate PILES of leftovers, and then slept like rocks.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Impressions of the kids
Both Vika and Diana have very different personalities. True, not knowing Russian, I am a bit challenged in determining their exact nature, but the trend seems clear.
Diana, at six+ years old, is not only the most curious of the two, but is also what parents nicely call "a bundle of energy" - someone whose "child care kit" may have to contain a leash, horse blinders and perhaps some duct tape. She is always getting into trouble, taunting and occasionally defying us, but is very sweet. She is really into sharing food (learned at the orphanage?), and will take anything she is given and make sure everyone has a share (if they want it or not). She is continually talking to either herself or someone else, and is by far the most outgoing of the two.
Vika, at 10+ years old, is a considerably quieter, more reserved girl. She has had a long, hard life, and it shows. Shy yes, but very warm and kindhearted. She looks out for her younger sister, is rarely defiant (that will come, we're sure!), and is clearly trying to make sense of this whole experience she is having. A rather small kid, she doesn't fit in with the 10 year-olds, yet in a few other ways, is older than her years, having to care for all of her siblings since an early age. Vika is a child we are going to have to love, love lots, teach, and watch her grow into her age. She is an easy child to love, though, and we look forward to it.
There are some interesting surprises we have had as a result of their orphanage training. First, for both kiddos, everything has its place, and there is a strong concept of putting things away after they are done with them. They also automatically make their beds after waking up (how long will THAT last), and recently, after being taught to set the table, Diana just started insisting that the table be set for breakfast the next day before going to bed.
Welcome to our family, Vika and Diana!
Both Vika and Diana have very different personalities. True, not knowing Russian, I am a bit challenged in determining their exact nature, but the trend seems clear.
Diana, at six+ years old, is not only the most curious of the two, but is also what parents nicely call "a bundle of energy" - someone whose "child care kit" may have to contain a leash, horse blinders and perhaps some duct tape. She is always getting into trouble, taunting and occasionally defying us, but is very sweet. She is really into sharing food (learned at the orphanage?), and will take anything she is given and make sure everyone has a share (if they want it or not). She is continually talking to either herself or someone else, and is by far the most outgoing of the two.
Vika, at 10+ years old, is a considerably quieter, more reserved girl. She has had a long, hard life, and it shows. Shy yes, but very warm and kindhearted. She looks out for her younger sister, is rarely defiant (that will come, we're sure!), and is clearly trying to make sense of this whole experience she is having. A rather small kid, she doesn't fit in with the 10 year-olds, yet in a few other ways, is older than her years, having to care for all of her siblings since an early age. Vika is a child we are going to have to love, love lots, teach, and watch her grow into her age. She is an easy child to love, though, and we look forward to it.
There are some interesting surprises we have had as a result of their orphanage training. First, for both kiddos, everything has its place, and there is a strong concept of putting things away after they are done with them. They also automatically make their beds after waking up (how long will THAT last), and recently, after being taught to set the table, Diana just started insisting that the table be set for breakfast the next day before going to bed.
Welcome to our family, Vika and Diana!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Back online - now with kids to distract me
OK, a long time has passed since last posting, but it was due to not being able to get online. Here's what's been happening:
Since we left our heroes (ha ha), we were waiting for court -- in the end, everything went according to plan. It is an interesting, albeit somewhat repetitive process. The proceedings take place over two days, and are conducted in Russian, of course, with a simultaneous translator tell us what is being said and translating our responses. The first day is a hearing between the judge, ourselves, our interpreter, lawyer, and representatives of the Ministry of Education and the two orphanages. For most of this session, the judge asks each of us questions, which we then answer. They are pretty standard ones, and we are briefed with the "proper" answers. But still, like any test, not knowing all the questions, and standing in a formal court setting can unnerve anyone - and we were unnerved. Several of the questions we were asked in the 1 1/2 hour session were:
Why are you choosing to adopt kids? Why not adopt from the US? Why Russia - what's with that?
What rights will the children have once adopted?
Do you get paid by your government to adopt the kids?
Are you adopting them to harvest their organs (just kidding... )
Your kids will certainly misbehave. How do you intend to discipline them? Do you believe in physical punishment?
What religion will you raise them (if any)? What if they want to go to the Russian Orthodox church? (I got to field this one...)
What is your understanding of the physical and mental condition of these kids?
How will you school them? What is the plan?
Does the school have special classes for kids who don't speak Russian?
Does the school provide psychologist and speech therapy?
The second day was just like the first, except this time the judge wore formal black robes, and a "prosecutor" and several other representatives were added behind us. Vika come to the courthouse because she was given the option to see us, but was not allowed in the courtroom. We started with the same question session (many of the same questions, plus some new ones), cross examinations, and then reports and cross examinations from each of the representatives. Each told their own story about their impressions of our qualifications, interactions with the kids, and recommendations. Luckily for us, everyone recommended the granting of the adoption as being in the kids best interest. Finally, there was a long summary by the judge of each of the 162 pages of our court dossier (painfully compiled by myself in the last three months) - complete with interpretation. This was then followed by a short dismissal, a nervous 10 minute wait, and then the ruling by the judge to sustain the adoption. YaY!
This is followed by a mandatory 10 day waiting period. At first we thought this was a period during which others could protest the adoption, but we were misinformed. Instead, it is a period during which we were allowed to change our minds. Since we didn't go through all this for nothing, we did not intend to do so (although we joked about it a dozen or so times). No, for us the 10 day period was a great chance to visit the rest of our family, i.e. our students, in Novgorod. So, we flew from Stavropol to Moscow, then took an overnight train from there to Novgorod. Here we visited Masha and Nina for four days, and then took the bus to Okulovka (an area rather like the Adirondacks, without the high mountains), where Natasha's family was vacationing in a rented cottage. There we stayed for four more days of good relaxation and visiting. After a Saturday midnight train departure, we slept until the train arrived in Moscow at 4:20 am on Sunday morning.
What a pain - tonce the train arrives in the wee hours of the morning (although the sun was rising in this high-latitude location), you can't sleep "extra" on the train, and the Metro doesn't open until 6 am. So you wander around dazed and confused. Eventually the metro opened, and we we went to Lera's - Lera and Alexander have been very kind and lent us their apartment! There we slept, stocked the 'fridge (although Lera had already left it stocked, as it happens) then got on a plane back to Stavropol.
Monday was gotcha day. It started out like any of the other 6 days when we visited. Our driver arrived at 9:30 am, and we started the hour-long drive to Konstantinofskya, where Vika's orphanage was. We had a standard visit, but this time there was a difference - when we got in the van to leave, Vika got to follow us! Happy Vika! From there we drove back to Stavropol where we picked up Diana. Then, a delivery to our hotel and there we were - instant parents! So we started our life, and the next day did paperwork in Stavropol - getting birth certificates and passports for the kids. (we already had airline tickets).
The next morning we left early to fly to Moscow - the kids first airplane flight, very exciting. We then moved into Lera's apartment, and began our temporary life for the following week. I won't waste words on a day-to-day chronology. In general there are four paperwork steps to accomplish - first, a medical exam for the kids (their third since admission to the orphanage) , second, submission of documents to the US embassy, third, an "interview" the following day at same embassy (which gets us formal kid citizenship on US landing permission and a travel visa) and a final step where the kids are registered in the Russian consulate (since they are also Russian citizens, and will be for life).
When we were in the US embassy awaiting our interview, there were probably 10 other adoptive families waiting the same day. And sure enough, it is true - most everyone adopts 18 month old infants (and of those mostly boys) - we were the only parents with older kids.
Sure, there are some very good reasons to adopt infants. But with older adoptive kids, you get some interesting fun which is really enjoyable. Since most of the life experiences we take for granted are totally new to both Diana and Vika, we sort of get our first 5 years of parenthood (so far without the diapers - FEATURE), in concentrated form in a week. Let's see, here is a very partial list of new "first" things, in approximate order: Elevator, air conditioning, pedestrian underpass, grocery store, airplane, loft beds, computers, escalator, trains, metro, zoo, shopping malls, tall buildings with windows (looking out over Moscow), etc. The moments of such discovery are priceless, as I'm sure any parent of small children can attest.
OK, a long time has passed since last posting, but it was due to not being able to get online. Here's what's been happening:
Since we left our heroes (ha ha), we were waiting for court -- in the end, everything went according to plan. It is an interesting, albeit somewhat repetitive process. The proceedings take place over two days, and are conducted in Russian, of course, with a simultaneous translator tell us what is being said and translating our responses. The first day is a hearing between the judge, ourselves, our interpreter, lawyer, and representatives of the Ministry of Education and the two orphanages. For most of this session, the judge asks each of us questions, which we then answer. They are pretty standard ones, and we are briefed with the "proper" answers. But still, like any test, not knowing all the questions, and standing in a formal court setting can unnerve anyone - and we were unnerved. Several of the questions we were asked in the 1 1/2 hour session were:
Why are you choosing to adopt kids? Why not adopt from the US? Why Russia - what's with that?
What rights will the children have once adopted?
Do you get paid by your government to adopt the kids?
Are you adopting them to harvest their organs (just kidding... )
Your kids will certainly misbehave. How do you intend to discipline them? Do you believe in physical punishment?
What religion will you raise them (if any)? What if they want to go to the Russian Orthodox church? (I got to field this one...)
What is your understanding of the physical and mental condition of these kids?
How will you school them? What is the plan?
Does the school have special classes for kids who don't speak Russian?
Does the school provide psychologist and speech therapy?
The second day was just like the first, except this time the judge wore formal black robes, and a "prosecutor" and several other representatives were added behind us. Vika come to the courthouse because she was given the option to see us, but was not allowed in the courtroom. We started with the same question session (many of the same questions, plus some new ones), cross examinations, and then reports and cross examinations from each of the representatives. Each told their own story about their impressions of our qualifications, interactions with the kids, and recommendations. Luckily for us, everyone recommended the granting of the adoption as being in the kids best interest. Finally, there was a long summary by the judge of each of the 162 pages of our court dossier (painfully compiled by myself in the last three months) - complete with interpretation. This was then followed by a short dismissal, a nervous 10 minute wait, and then the ruling by the judge to sustain the adoption. YaY!
This is followed by a mandatory 10 day waiting period. At first we thought this was a period during which others could protest the adoption, but we were misinformed. Instead, it is a period during which we were allowed to change our minds. Since we didn't go through all this for nothing, we did not intend to do so (although we joked about it a dozen or so times). No, for us the 10 day period was a great chance to visit the rest of our family, i.e. our students, in Novgorod. So, we flew from Stavropol to Moscow, then took an overnight train from there to Novgorod. Here we visited Masha and Nina for four days, and then took the bus to Okulovka (an area rather like the Adirondacks, without the high mountains), where Natasha's family was vacationing in a rented cottage. There we stayed for four more days of good relaxation and visiting. After a Saturday midnight train departure, we slept until the train arrived in Moscow at 4:20 am on Sunday morning.
What a pain - tonce the train arrives in the wee hours of the morning (although the sun was rising in this high-latitude location), you can't sleep "extra" on the train, and the Metro doesn't open until 6 am. So you wander around dazed and confused. Eventually the metro opened, and we we went to Lera's - Lera and Alexander have been very kind and lent us their apartment! There we slept, stocked the 'fridge (although Lera had already left it stocked, as it happens) then got on a plane back to Stavropol.
Monday was gotcha day. It started out like any of the other 6 days when we visited. Our driver arrived at 9:30 am, and we started the hour-long drive to Konstantinofskya, where Vika's orphanage was. We had a standard visit, but this time there was a difference - when we got in the van to leave, Vika got to follow us! Happy Vika! From there we drove back to Stavropol where we picked up Diana. Then, a delivery to our hotel and there we were - instant parents! So we started our life, and the next day did paperwork in Stavropol - getting birth certificates and passports for the kids. (we already had airline tickets).
The next morning we left early to fly to Moscow - the kids first airplane flight, very exciting. We then moved into Lera's apartment, and began our temporary life for the following week. I won't waste words on a day-to-day chronology. In general there are four paperwork steps to accomplish - first, a medical exam for the kids (their third since admission to the orphanage) , second, submission of documents to the US embassy, third, an "interview" the following day at same embassy (which gets us formal kid citizenship on US landing permission and a travel visa) and a final step where the kids are registered in the Russian consulate (since they are also Russian citizens, and will be for life).
When we were in the US embassy awaiting our interview, there were probably 10 other adoptive families waiting the same day. And sure enough, it is true - most everyone adopts 18 month old infants (and of those mostly boys) - we were the only parents with older kids.
Sure, there are some very good reasons to adopt infants. But with older adoptive kids, you get some interesting fun which is really enjoyable. Since most of the life experiences we take for granted are totally new to both Diana and Vika, we sort of get our first 5 years of parenthood (so far without the diapers - FEATURE), in concentrated form in a week. Let's see, here is a very partial list of new "first" things, in approximate order: Elevator, air conditioning, pedestrian underpass, grocery store, airplane, loft beds, computers, escalator, trains, metro, zoo, shopping malls, tall buildings with windows (looking out over Moscow), etc. The moments of such discovery are priceless, as I'm sure any parent of small children can attest.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
What's been happening for the last 6 months....
Well, here I sit in a hotel room in Stavropol, Russia - and on my second visit to Stavropol in three months. In January, I didn't even know there was such a city, and only vaguely knew about exactly where the region it is located in (the Caucasus) could be found. A lot has happened in these last six months. In some ways, you could say less has happened, if you consider "happening" to be activity from a variety of areas. But in one area specifically, there has been a frenzy of focused, obsessive activity.
Adoption. Ten years ago we would have never considered it, and would not even be capable of saying the word. Five years ago we briefly discussed the topic and quickly wrote it off as too risky a thing to even consider. Early this January, we both found ourselves joking about it with our friends - "Oh yeah, and Chuck wonders when the ten-year old is going to show up" - and then comparing notes and (totally surprisingly to both of us) agreeing to do it. What happened in between?
Well, you could say (in order) Natasha, Alicia, Tanya, Tasha, Masha and Nina happened. These people, all from a different country (Russia) and the same region (Novgorod), enriched our lives, taught us to love, taught us to learn and caused us to look at ourselves in ways we never would have guessed. They form the core of our family, and make us feel soooo very rich to know them. Today, they out there, building their lives, each in their own special way and phase of life. It is an awesome thing to watch happen.
The strength this whole experience as well as our becoming more willing to leave "the comfort zone" has given us is the faith to try being "real" parents to two young girls, from the same country, same culture, but a very different background. In two weeks, we will be parents to Diana, a 6 1/2 year of pile of energy, and Vika, a quiet 10 1/2 year old ready to build a new life with us. May the collective strength of the universe and whatever else is out there help us do our job well.
I will save everyone the boring logistics on doing an international adoption. Not only is it not for the feint of heart, it is a tremendous, time consuming hassle that words cannot possibly describe and few who have not been involved in adoption can appreciate. After doing our research for a month, we applied to a program in the end of January, and this began the paperwork. After literally 2 months of continuous paperwork, interviews and hassles, we received our first referral (well really the second, but we won't go there), and prepared to travel to meet these girls in mid-April. We then travels, visited each three times, and accepted the referrals. Then back to another 6 weeks of paperwork and several weeks of further waiting before we were given a "court date" - this is where things get serious.
Before the first trip was taken, the adoption process seemed almost a theoretical, disassociated thing - lot of work, reading, researching and fright from the possible outcomes. Then you see the girls, and the fright is replaced with elation and a different sort of fear - how can we possibly get our lives into shape and make a convincing family with a convincing home and traditions?
Then you finally complete that final dossier - and wait, and wait, and wait. They say this is the hardest of all, and sure enough there is truth to it. You literally do not know if you will be called in a week, in 4 months (there's that feared "summer vacation" problem, where Russia disappears during mid-July to August), or never if Russia were to decide stop doing external adoption at all. You worry about things, but at least to me it was date and program related worry.
Then you get that court date (in our case, we got about 13 days notice, about average). Suddenly, after arranging the tickets and last minute paperwork, you are really for the first time faced with near-certainty, that when you return from your trip, nothing will be the same again. Never. Its a feeling a bit like a roller coaster - you look at it, and decide to try it. You then stand in a boring line for a while. Then you finally start climbing the last flight of stairs to the top, and realize that once this thing takes off, you can yell all you want, but the ride will not stop. You just have to have faith that you will survive in one piece.
That's were we are about now as I write this.
Today we visited the kids for the first time since seeing them two months ago. They trusted we would return after those visits long ago, and were relieved and happy when they saw our smiling faces. They trusted us, now it is time for us to trust ourselves, and embrace their happy faces and hopes. We are now happy but scared parents-to-be. Tomorrow will be our first of two court days. That's the point in the ride where they have let you onto the ride platform and wait for the next roller-coaster cars to arrive. Then a ten day waiting period (mandatory wait), the judge declares them yours, and you're off.
Whhhhheeeeeeee!!!!
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